Poor Harper.
Do you have an image in your head of what he looks like? How he dresses? What he talks about? Do you want to get to know him?
What if I told you he also likes to run and is quite good at tennis. And that he was on the Ultimate Frisbee team at his high school. Does he look the same in your mind?
Picture him. I promise there is a point to this.
Picture him. I promise there is a point to this.
What if I added that he graduated from the hardest public high school in the country last year and started as a Junior at a really good college due to the amount of AP credits he rocked? We are talking 5's in everything. And then I told you that he's already been accepted to a top tier medical school.
Does that change the way he looks in your mind? Or the way you think about him?
Picture him again. What does he look like? Is it different than before? How different? Just a little? Completely? Do you want to be his friend more before or after I told you how smart and successful he is? Does med school make him more or less attractive?
Picture him again. What does he look like? Is it different than before? How different? Just a little? Completely? Do you want to be his friend more before or after I told you how smart and successful he is? Does med school make him more or less attractive?
And what if I continued by sharing that I have known him for 4 years and each year he has grown kinder and wiser? Especially during a period in life when most people become more selfish and short sighted. Does that change who you expect him to be? How he looks?
Would you like to see a picture of our "new neighbor"?
All of them are actually true.
Were you surprised?
Were you expecting someone Indian?
Did your mental picture of the person I was talking about shift as I added different details?
Why do think this happens?
The answer is simple. We all judge people.
Shocking, I know! I used the "J" word! Gasp! For shame, right?
Actually, judgement is hardwired into us. You can't help it. When you see something, anything, your brain brings forward previous experiences with that kind of thing. It shows you things you've read and heard and seen. Judging the people and circumstances around us helps us adapt to our world. I am sure there are a bunch of studies out there showing some primal connection between survival and judging the things in our environment. As humans, we can't help it.
That's why it is ridiculous to expect people to not judge each other. It's inevitable.
What we need to do instead, is to realize that we will judge, and then teach ourselves to pull that judgement back, take in more current information, and then reevaluate our opinion.
Does that sound like a lot of work? Well, I'll be honest with you. At first it takes some effort. But keep reading if you want to learn how to do it. With a little practice, you can get really fast. And what do you get for your effort? I can't answer exactly for you, because I don't know your life, where you live, who you interact with, etc. But learning how to retract my own judgment has given me a ton of new friendships, and deeper friendships than I could have had before I started doing it. It has brought me more peace, as I learned to read the people around me, rather than relying on the "stock" information my brain provided. This helps me to relax and feel more comfortable with people who aren't "like me." It has made me curious instead of afraid. It has made me less fearful and more open. And that alone, I think, is worth the effort in this age of fear and distrust.
So...after all that talking, we're going to practice.
I can feel your enthusiasm.
Come on! It's more like a game, than a tooth extraction,
I promise. Just try it.
So I'm going to show you two more pictures. I want you to look at each picture and pay attention to the thoughts your brain hands you about each person. You can take a second and go get a paper to write down your thoughts, if you want. Or not. We'll wait.
OK, everybody ready? Here's the first picture.:
What are your first thoughts as you look at this picture?
What is his temperament?
Is he like someone you know?
Would you feel comfortable sitting next to him on an airplane...or would you talk to him, if you are like me and actually enjoy talking to the people who sit next to you? (Yes, I am totally that girl.)
Does his age affect whether or not you would talk to him?
Could you be friends with this person?
Would you want him to be your neighbor?
OK, what did you think? Were you surprised by any of your thoughts or answers?
Those thoughts were your brain judging this man. All of your thoughts about him (unless you know him personally) were from your past experience, bias, education, media exposure and assumptions coming forward from the data banks of your brain. You have no way of determining if any of it is fact or fiction. Which is fine, actually. The important thing is to practice recognizing that these kinds of thoughts always show up. They are especially binding and powerful during a first impression.
In truth, he is a stranger. You have never met him. You know nothing about him or what he is like. And what you do think you know, could be completely inaccurate.
OK, let's try it again. Look at him again. But this time, ignore your judgement opinions and just look at him until all those things are gone, and all you see is a person in front of you.
Look until you don't see a white man, or an old man, or a nice man. Look until you see just a man. This might take a sec.
Ok, now you are ready to let HIM tell you who he is.
Well you would be if we were on the street somewhere or at school or my house or something. Actually, I am going to tell you who he is, in a sec, because I know him and you don't. But when you meet someone new, or talk to someone you don't know very well, it's important to hold back your thoughts until THEY give you a context to work in. Assume you like them or that you have something in common with them until they prove you wrong. Assume they are interesting and that they are a good person, regardless of what they look like or what they are wearing, until they say or do something that conflicts with that. And you might even consider giving them the benefit of the doubt more than once, because I am a much different person when I get up than I am later in the day. Most people like me much better after 9 am.
If you always start with the assumption that the person you are interacting with or sharing space with is a good person, you will be right most of the time.
(There are, sadly, always exceptions to this, so if you are worried that someone may hurt you, then trust that. I am not talking about laughing in the face of danger, here. Rather, I am suggesting you step out of your comfort zone. But if you seriously think that white van may pull over and kidnap you, then run away, please! Quickly!)
OK, so here's the skinny on the man in the above picture:
OK that was fun. Let's try it again. Here's another picture. And yes, this one is a new picture. Now remember, let your ideas about this person come forward. OK, Go!
What is your first impression? And remember to be honest here. It's ok. This is practice.
Who is she?
What is she like?
Do you want to sit next to her on a plane?
Do you want to be her neighbor?
Do you want to be her friend?
Once again, your answers will be massively affected by your previous experience, other people you have known, things you've read and seen on TV and online, for good or ill. Get them all to the front.
OK, now forget them all and look again, until you see a person, a young woman:
Once again, she is a stranger. You have never met her. You have no idea what she's like. Get yourself to a place where you are curious what she will reveal about herself, if she were to start talking to you.
Are you there? Shall I tell you about my cute friend? Actually, she and her mother came up with a list of things they wanted you all to know about her.
OK, what did you think? Were you surprised by any of your thoughts or answers?
Those thoughts were your brain judging this man. All of your thoughts about him (unless you know him personally) were from your past experience, bias, education, media exposure and assumptions coming forward from the data banks of your brain. You have no way of determining if any of it is fact or fiction. Which is fine, actually. The important thing is to practice recognizing that these kinds of thoughts always show up. They are especially binding and powerful during a first impression.
In truth, he is a stranger. You have never met him. You know nothing about him or what he is like. And what you do think you know, could be completely inaccurate.
OK, let's try it again. Look at him again. But this time, ignore your judgement opinions and just look at him until all those things are gone, and all you see is a person in front of you.
Look until you don't see a white man, or an old man, or a nice man. Look until you see just a man. This might take a sec.
Ok, now you are ready to let HIM tell you who he is.
Well you would be if we were on the street somewhere or at school or my house or something. Actually, I am going to tell you who he is, in a sec, because I know him and you don't. But when you meet someone new, or talk to someone you don't know very well, it's important to hold back your thoughts until THEY give you a context to work in. Assume you like them or that you have something in common with them until they prove you wrong. Assume they are interesting and that they are a good person, regardless of what they look like or what they are wearing, until they say or do something that conflicts with that. And you might even consider giving them the benefit of the doubt more than once, because I am a much different person when I get up than I am later in the day. Most people like me much better after 9 am.
If you always start with the assumption that the person you are interacting with or sharing space with is a good person, you will be right most of the time.
(There are, sadly, always exceptions to this, so if you are worried that someone may hurt you, then trust that. I am not talking about laughing in the face of danger, here. Rather, I am suggesting you step out of your comfort zone. But if you seriously think that white van may pull over and kidnap you, then run away, please! Quickly!)
OK, so here's the skinny on the man in the above picture:
- He's 76 this year.
- He had a stroke in January.
- He is still a practicing doctor with a specialty in Radiation Oncology.
- He paid for medical school partly by working summers as a wilderness ranger on horseback in the Grand Tetons and partly by selling Fuller brushes door to door.
- He pays for the groceries of the person behind him in the check out line.
- He "collects" sleeping bags. At one time, he had about 30. Seriously.
- He has major issues with authority.
- He is the only person in his neighborhood with a golf cart sporting seat belts. (This has to do with the the trait above. It's a great story. Ask me sometime.)
- He is loud.
- He will buy your drink at 7-11 any day and is on a first name basis with most of the cashiers at most of the Circle-K's and 7-11s in the city he lives in because he drinks so much soda. And because he likes people.
- He is insanely organized. Insanely.
- He is fun.
- He is impatient.
- He can fix just about anything.
- He can be rude and overbearing.
- He talks as much as I do.
- He needs a hearing aid, but doesn't like to wear his.
- He has been everywhere.
- He loves the Hallmark Channel. I am not lying about this.
- He is my dad.
OK that was fun. Let's try it again. Here's another picture. And yes, this one is a new picture. Now remember, let your ideas about this person come forward. OK, Go!
What is your first impression? And remember to be honest here. It's ok. This is practice.
Who is she?
What is she like?
Do you want to sit next to her on a plane?
Do you want to be her neighbor?
Do you want to be her friend?
Once again, your answers will be massively affected by your previous experience, other people you have known, things you've read and seen on TV and online, for good or ill. Get them all to the front.
OK, now forget them all and look again, until you see a person, a young woman:
Once again, she is a stranger. You have never met her. You have no idea what she's like. Get yourself to a place where you are curious what she will reveal about herself, if she were to start talking to you.
Are you there? Shall I tell you about my cute friend? Actually, she and her mother came up with a list of things they wanted you all to know about her.
- She directs the music at the beginning and ending of our church women's meeting.
- She keeps her room tidy, because she prefers it that way.
- She takes fashion very seriously.
- She sets her outfit for the next day out every night before she goes to bed.
- She helps her mother run an in-home daycare.
- She is almost always happy.
- She loves to color in adult coloring books.
- She sees the good in everything.
- She loves movies and older TV shows like "I Love Lucy", "Facts of Life", "Brady Bunch", and "the Golden Girls".
- She can be stubborn. Especially regarding her Diet Coke.
- She is a very loyal friend.
- She graduated from one of the larger, more rigorous high schools in the area.
- She is 33 yrs old. Apparently she's found the Fountain of Youth.
- She has played baseball for 27 yrs and is currently on a young adult team.
- She is very organized.
- She loves to dance to oldies as well as the latest popular music.
- She is deeply devoted to her faith and loves to see her "Church Family" each Sunday.
So do you guys think you can go and do this on your own? Can you recognize your own judgments, and then tell them to chill out, until the person you are dealing with has given you a little more info? I am totally sure you can do this. You just have to remember to think about it. And who knows? Maybe your new best friend will wind up being someone you didn't even know you could like! That would be the coolest, right? I would love to hear any experiences you have from trying this in real life. So please feel free to share in the comments below.
Well that's certainly more than enough for now.
Thanks for wading through all that with me.
Talk to you soon,
CM Shaw
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