Digging Out the Studio Week 3: Getting Crafty

Week 3 was a whirlwind for me. I had just gotten back from my brother-in-law's wedding and I could feel a cold coming on. Things were going a little "End of the Year" berserk, so I almost cancelled. But the Sisters couldn't come any other day, so I just told them to come anyway and bluffed, like I had actually thought through what they were going to do. 

I walked into the studio and saw the bin of craft supplies that my kids use. You know the pictures that 3 year olds draw of the sun or spiders or octopuses, with 10,000 arms and legs coming off a messy circle? That was what this bin kinda resembled. "Great!" I thought with much relief, "I'll make them clean out the craft stuff," and proceeded to pull out anything remotely crafty that looked like a tornado had hit it.

Sister Kleven is particularly partial to crafts, so I put her in charge of the that crazy bin, as well as my ribbons that looked like they had been fighting amongst themselves since the Christmas onslaught. And can I tell you, this girl does not disappoint. Look at the order she brought to the battling ribbons! It's art, I say. Art!

And this is the former octopus-like bin. Look at the order. Could you die? All those Ziploc bags in their tidy little rows. I never thought I'd consider Ziploc bags a thing of beauty, but there it is. 

As for Sister Merritt, well since she had so much fun with the screws and nuts and bolts the first time, I put her in charge of putting them in their new home. Wasn't that so thoughtful of me? Actually, she wasn't even annoyed. She muttered something about "personal vendetta" and jumped right in.

And I have a confession to make. Last time I totally cheated. Sister Anderson's first week in our area, or even as a missionary, was Week 3. She was not even here for the modeling of the 80's clothes. But she heard about the cow print Guess? jeans and was jealous, so we pulled them out and let her play with the 80's too. Sister Merritt was actually the one trying things on, but we were laughing too hard to remember to take pics. But I ended up giving her the desert camo pants, so if you ask really nicely, she might model them for you. 

Anyway, back to Sister Anderson. New missionaries are called "beans" as in "green beans." At least they were in my mission. I had forgotten what an entertaining blend of spunk, enthusiasm, and insecurity they can be. It was so fun to watch Sister Anderson wrap her brain around the fact the missionary work also included wearing 80's clothes and checking if all the markers worked or not. Yes, I did. I gave her this huge bin of mostly dead markers and made her draw with every single one to see if they still worked or not. Welcome to full time service sweetie!

Sister Merritt finished wrestling with the nuts and bolts once and for all and asked if I had a pencil sharpener so she could tackle the pile of dull, unusable colored pencils next to the bin of mostly dead markers. 

I do, but it is electric and upstairs and prone to overheating. 

After consulting with Sister Anderson, Sister Merritt decided it would be better to stay with her companions and asked for a knife. 

A knife? Why yes, I have several. Take your pick

So a delighted Sister Merritt settled in and happily whittled her way though my stack of dull pencils. She kept telling us how great it was to be whittling again and how it reminded her of camping in the wilds of Wyoming, where she's from. Friends, this girl is the real deal. No Glamping for her. 

They all got so much done so quickly. It was mind boggling. So we had a consult, to decide what to deal with the next week and how to proceed after that. After pursuing the studio again, we unanimously voted to tackle the papers next week. Brave souls, they are. So there we left off, headed into the dark waters of the unknown paperwork ahead. You'll have to come back for the next post to see if we survived. 

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw

 PS: If you want to catch up on our little journey of discovery, 

here are all the previous posts in the series

The Book That Started It All

The Big Picture

Week 1

Week 2

Digging Out the Studio, Week 2: Bin and Bins of Fun

Welcome back to our nifty little series on digging out my art studio/storage room. If you are new here, thanks for clicking over. You can catch up with these posts:

The book that might just change things

The Plan

Week 1: Motivation and Missionaries

In any case, our story continues with me getting a phone call. Normally I hate being called by surveys or businesses selling things or computer scammers, but this call was a little different. It was from the National Children's Center, asking if I had any donations. Donations? Hmm... Let me think...What about the whole studio full of crap I don't want anymore? Can we donate that? We can!? Great! So I booked a pickup in three days. 

Do charities in the West or other parts of the country call you up out of the blue and ask if you want them to come to your house and pick up your stuff? There are a ton of them here that do. I think I am on the calling list of about 5 different charities, who will come and remove my problems...er, unwanted, gently used items about once a month. It's amazing.  You just put it in your driveway, with the name of the charity or "donation" taped to the top of the pile, and when you get back from the grocery store or work or whatever, it has magically vaporized and you are left with a receipt that you can deduct from your taxes. 

Best. Gig. Ever.

Guys I have to be honest. I was feeling like the smartest girl ever. It was such a good feeling. And I have a spoiler for you...Things totally worked out and they took all my stuff and I lived happily ever after.

Well, not all my stuff. There is still plenty of crap in the studio that I haven't got to yet. 

But they did take this pile:

Do you know what a bunch of those bins are filled with? VHS tapes! I know, right? I was so excited that someone can still use them. There was the whole collection of Disney movies like "The Emperor's New Grove" and "Mary Poppins" and "Bug's Life". And the classics from my kid's little days like "Elmo in Grouchland". Not to mention the more grown up classics like "Blast From the Past" (I'm not sure I ever actually watched that one after I bought it, but if you recall, there was a time when Brendan Frasier was actually worth looking at) and "October Sky" that no one remembers, but were fun back in the day. 

How sad to be old enough to really qualify for someone who can use the phrase "back in the day." Sigh.

Anyway, the people came while I was shopping and the VHS collection of my past was on it's way to some other fate than the trash heap! So crazy exciting. Especially since I have this reoccurring image of a world where all the trees are dead and black VHS film wraps around them like strangler vines. "Shudder." I am sure I am the only one who has that particular thought, but I did sleep better that night

But VHS tapes were not the only thing that found a new life. The sisters and I started by taking everything out of those bins, before we filled them with VHS tapes. The tapes were previously taking up half of the drawer space in the giant dresser I have living next to the freezer in the studio. And I had no idea what was living in the bins. It had been a while, like 10 years, since I had opened them. 

Guys, can I just tell you how great these girls are to help me? They actually came back to help again! After I made them sort all those little screws last time. So as a favor, I let them open bins containing who knows what and 80's and 90's ski clothing that mice had discovered. So nice of me. Fortunately, I was the one who opened that bin. I knew we had had mice and had gotten rid of them, so there was no hysterical screaming. 

What the girls got to discover was rabbit pelts (I am an animal fur junkie. I am sorry if you are a card carrying PETA member. I just really like animals and having their fur makes me feel safe and close to them. #justbeinghonest) and all of my Easter decorations that I never use and forgot I had. Some of them were pretty cute, but hello...I FORGOT I had them. Buh bye! I did end up keeping the eggs daughter #1 and #2 got at the White House Easter Egg Rolls when they were each 3. They were so cute and I was so happy to be there. Some things we keep. Even Marie Kondo of The Magic of Tidying Up fame says "Keep the things that bring you joy." So those posters and eggs and pelts stayed. 

The real fun started when they found the bin of 80's clothing I had saved because I totally emote all over material things. There were a pair of military issue desert camo pants I got at Smith and Edwards, a military surplus store in Ogden, UT that my grandpa and father go way back with. There was the designer periwinkle shirt and pant set I bought in a boutique in York, England, when I spent 3 weeks there after I graduated from high school in 1989, that I would still wear if it actually fit me. In the event I ever lose enough weight to get it on and do it justice, I will totally post pics here. There was a olive colored washable silk flight suit-like jump suit, right out of Top Gun that quickly became Sister Merritt's favorite thing. There was a cute pair of red Guess shorts and a few dresses my mom made for me, but the Piece de Resistance was definitely my prized and hoarded pair of cow print Guess jeans. 

I love these jeans as much as the cow skull that hangs above my mantle and that was a gift from my father who bought it at the Phoenix swap meet from a lady who found it in the desert. I know. I know. I am super weird, bordering on creepy, but I love that thing for all i am worth. it says, "home" to me in the best way. The cow print Guess jeans are like that. 

First, they are Guess? and if you were a teenager in the 80's, you know that owning and wearing Guess clothing made you a better person. Misguided perhaps, but when I wore those jeans, I felt like the most popular, magnificent, and cool girl on the planet. 

Second, they are a size 28. And they actually fit me. They are material proof that I was once "hot". Want to see? I knew you would understand. I freaking love this picture. Brace yourself for some seriously big hair:

I cannot express to you how much I miss this version of my butt. Sigh. And yes, I am standing on the counter, right in front of the sink. 

And here are the same pants on Sister Anderson, Sister Missionary extraordinaire!

A nice touch, the "Vote for Pedro" shirt, so you are completely certain that she is Mormon. And look. They are BAGGY on her. Sigh. But nothing will diminish my love for those jeans. Good times, I tell you. Good times. 

So that was this week's edition of "Dig out CM Shaw's Studio". 

How are you guys doing with your projects? Any progress? 

And if you are looking for some meaning in your life, I know a few girls...

Talk to you soon, 

CM Shaw

Dig out the Studio, Week 1: Motivation not required, but Missionaries go a long way towards helping reach your goal.

Warning, this post contains lots of pictures of a dirty basement.  

To prevent you from being overwhelmed, here is a picture of the azaleas blooming at the National Arboretum. It will give your eyes something pretty to look at, if the mess of my studio is just too much. 

Just kidding. I know you all can handle a good mess. We just went to see the flowers the same week I started working on the studio and figured they might be a nice foil to my dirty basement. And just as an aside, If you find yourself in the Nation's Capital with nothing to do on a nice May afternoon, I would highly recommend the National Arboretum. Here's another pic, including me:

So. Many. Blossoms. 

But this post isn't about flowers. It's about whether or not I can get all the garbage out of my studio and make it back into a functional space.

So last post, we were getting motivated, right? Oh yeah. The SORT and Succeed Method says we don't need motivation to get all the stuff out of our hoarder's stash ...er...art studio. Well, the first  week I actually put that theory to the test. I scheduled a time to work on the studio. And I invited a few friends I knew needed service hours over to help me, just to keep me from wimping out and "forgetting" to do it. 

And I figured if I was going to talk about the SORT and Succeed book, I had better actually try following that method. So I started with the first part of the acronym SORT, "Start with a written plan." My "Big Picture" plans are laid out here. 

After I wrote all that out, I went back to the book and realized I had totally missed the point. In Ch. 2, DeMarrow clearly states:

 "A project is an organizing job you can accomplish in one defined 

block of time by applying the SORT and Suceed system.

   If you think you'll need more than about 4 hours to solve your organizing 

problem, then your project is probably too big. You'll need to break that big 

project into some smaller projects." (pg. 22)

Yeah...Apparently "I am going to clean all this crap out and be a completely different person and live happily ever after" does not exactly fit the definition given for "a project". I kept reading, hoping for her to throw me a bone and make this easy. My friends were going to be here in 20 min. 

I found my solution in Ch.3: "Start at the door." 

Brilliant! I'll start at the door! This is what it looked like near my door.

So I quickly wrote out "Throw away any trash near the door. Put away things that have places. Make places or plans for anything that does not have a place. Deal with everything within 3 feet of each side of the door." I finished writing just as the doorbell rang.

(Sorry for the grainy pictures. My iPad doesn't love low light. There may be more than a few of these in this series of posts. Hopefully it just makes you feel like you are that much better a photographer. I am all about empowerment, you know.)

There is something I should tell you about my friends. While they are my friends, they are also serving as sister missionaries for my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know you may be scratching your head and thinking, "Aren't Mormon missionaries boys in suits on bikes?" Yes they are, but missionaries come in "girls with cars" form too! These kids give up 18 mos-2 yrs of their college life, paying their own way, to be volunteers, do service, and teaching about our church to anyone who will listen to them. It is such a good thing to do with yourself in that very self-focused time of your life.You can find out more about what full time missionaries do here) I don't know how exactly we decided it was a good idea for them to help me, but it got approved as "viable service", so they will be around for the next 6 weeks or so. Yay for me!

While I was planning what we were going to do, I realized that if I had help, I needed to have projects for them to work on that didn't require me to make any decisions. So I looked around at what there was to be done. Here is what I found.

What 20 year old girl doesn't want to break down a pallet with a rip saw?

They made short work of that puppy. Now I can finally build that easel I have been thinking about for 5 years. (I swear, Pinterest is the opposite of free time.) 

*Dear Mission President  and concerned parents reading this post: Please notice the protective eye-wear. Sister Kleven and Sister Merritt were very careful, listened attentively to my safety lecture about how not to cut off your leg with a rip saw, and both have previous experience with power tools* In fact, Sister Merritt said she grew up helping her dad do roofing projects in Wyoming. Woot! Some Girl Power there baby!

They also got all my mixed-up bins of screw and nails and bolts sorted by size. True love and devotion, I tell you. And they did it all with those smiles you see there.

And I dealt with the area around the door! Check it out:

Notice the distinct lack of debris, garbage, and things without a home. It worked like magic!

So far so good, I think. I have to say though, as much as I like the SORT and Suceed method, I think my magic ingredient may be the sister missionaries. This is so much more fun with a bunch of well intentioned 20 year olds helping. And this was only week 1. Wait until you see what we got up to in Week 2.

Are you guys de-junking anything?Have you read SORT and Suceed  or any other interesting books on organizing lately? How is your "project" going? 

Let me know. The sisters and I would love to hear your story.

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw

The Big Picture: Where the studio is going

Exciting things guys! I have been working on the studio. I am actually 3 weeks in. But I am not going to show you my progress quite yet. Because every good story needs to have the stage set. So this post is all about where I want to go and the space I am trying to create. 

If you recall waaaay back in 2013 (I love you if you still read this blog after all that time), I used to actually make things in my studio. Like this. I know. After the pic from the last post here, that seems like a very long time ago indeed. But that is really all I want, to have a functional space that I can make stuff in that can handle having stuff dumped on the floor. It doesn't need to be a pretty space, just a useful one. Let's just say I have no desire for a space that looks like the one in this pin

And since I told you all that I was going to talk about the SORT and Succeed book, I decided I would actually try following that method. So I started with the first part of the acronym SORT, "Start with a written plan."

Um...Yeah. Easier said than done. 

They were talking about a small attainable goal, but since I'm me, and I tend to think big, I started with an overall vision for where I was going for the entire space. This is straight from my "Goals" notebook:

"I would like to have an efficiently organized art studio where I know where everything is, what I have, and with many clutter-free surfaces to work on.

• drying space
• work space
• supplies space
• tools space
• display space

I would also like to have spaces to store mementos, Christmas and other holiday decor, camping supplies, rarely used tools and equipment, and food storage. 

I would prefer if almost nothing sat directly on the floor.

I would prefer if almost everything was easily reachable, at least with a stool.

I want to touch and make the decision "keep or not?" for every item in the studio. No unopened boxes. 

I am fine with a "storage room" look. It doesn't have to be fancy. Rough and Functional is probably better.

I want "like" things grouped together." 

So that's where the project is headed. You guys will have to keep me on track!

It is clear that I will not be finishing in May. But I think I will finish before the end of the summer. And since that is sooner than Never, I am pretty happy about that. I work on it weekly, on Wednesday afternoons for about 2-3 hours, and I have two slave laborers friends who come and help me every week. I pick a few things for us to tackle and put away. It isn't fast, but we get it done every time and usually end up laughing a lot. I am still sad I didn't take pictures last week. But that is a story for next time. 

In any case, things are moving in spite of the "end of the year" crush. So here's to SORTing and hopefully, succeeding. So far, so good.

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw

The Read That Will Finally Inspire Me?

I think that inspiration is a function of timing, as well as energy. I have been inspired so many times to do so many things, but life has prevented them from coming to pass for some multitude of reasons. Most of the time, I just simply can't create the space for it in my schedule. Sometimes, it is derailed by extenuating circumstances. Sometimes, I am just not ready when the inspiration strikes. 

So inspiration leaves me. And the idea stays unrealized. 

But sometimes, the circumstances are right. The timing is good, I have the interest and the energy and the money and the will. And those times are magic. 

I have spent almost all of my free time for the last 4 years trying to finish all the design projects in my house. Getting rid of my debris has also been a part of that quest. I think I am on round 7-8 of major purging. In any case, I have read several books on the subjects of Decluttering, Organizing, Cleaning, and Simplifying. Most of them had useful information that may have made all the difference, had the time been right. But it never was. Until now. 

I am ready to tackle the studio. Let me show you what that means.

As you can see, it has been years since I really addressed this space. Or really did anything in here, but pile crap on top of crap. And no, I do not think I need to seek help for my hoarding issues, despite what these photos may imply. I do think I cleaned it up after the last barn sale I ran in 2013, but that was what? 5 years ago? Yeah.

In any case, I recently had a bit of serendipity fall into my lap. A friend of mine from Haven, Darla DeMorrow, recently contacted me to see if I wanted to review her new book on organizing! Perfect timing, right?


As you all know, it has been almost a year since I posted anything. (Note the reasons listed above. They explain my entire life)  I almost turned her down. But something niggled inside and told me to think about it. So I did, for a hot second. I realized I had already been moving towards clearing out the studio. Why not do it for you guys to see? I will try to post every time I work on it. My goal is to finish the whole space before the end of May. I am dubious that I will be able to do that, but for now, that's my goal. So cross you fingers with me, Kay?

But let's get to the book review that's the catalyst for all this. 

Organizing Your Home With SORT and Succeed by Darla DeMorrow has two great advantages over any other organizing book I have ever read, before you even open the cover. First, it only takes about an hour to read the whole thing, cover to cover.  And second, it is free if you have Kindle Unlimited on Amazon.com or $4.99 if you are just a non-joiner, like me. (In the name of disclosure, Darla gifted me with a digital copy to review. All opinions are obviously my own. So are any spelling errors, gaffing social faux pas, and heinous messes left untouched in this blog post.)

I had no idea what to expect when I started reading, so I just open the file and dug in. I was really curious to see what she had to say that I hadn't heard before. The first few chapters are background on how she thinks about the process of sorting and working through one's possessions (Darla is a Professional Organizer in Philadelphia) and how our brains think about stuff. I am actually fascinated by how the human mind works, so I was happy about these chapters. You can skip them and go right to process if you want.

 I was surprised by a quote fairly early on. 

"Organizing is only worth doing if something amazing is going to come of it, and amazing comes from relationships, not things."

This one stopped me right in my tracks. I had never thought about organizing like this. But the interesting thing for me was, I had given up blogging the last couple of years (sniff..) so I could make my home more conducive to people gathering. Hmm. That sounds a lot like building a space for relationships to bloom, doesn't it? So yeah, I was pretty much hooked from there. 

Another thing that caught my attention was her statement, 

"You don't need motivation." 

Now I don't know about you, but I find this a bold statement based off previous experience. I have yet to experience organizing and sorting I didn't have to drag myself across coals to get through. And I am tired, after working on so many things for so long. But if she says I can do it and not need to drag myself through it, I am willing to give that kind of optimism a shot. I'll let you know how it goes.

The final quote that sealed the deal for me was this:

"Minimalism and empty rooms aren't the goal. Peace is the goal."

Dang girl, you had me at "empty rooms aren't the goal." I LOVE stuff. I love having a bunch of cool things to look at and memories to think about. But right now, I do not feel peaceful. I feel resentful that I have to spend so much time dealing with All. The. Things. Resentful that I don't have places for things, so I can't deal with them. Resentful that even though I am trying so hard and putting so much effort into making things nicer in my home, it never feels like I have done anything. I didn't realize it until I read that line, but Peace IS the goal for me. I don't know that I would have been able to put it that succinctly, but that describes perfectly what I have been working towards. 

Ok, so that's the philosophy that caught my attention. The system itself is described in Chapter 3, so if you are the impatient type (I usually am) and want to get right on it, then that is your starting point. Here is the whole system in a nutshell:

Start with a Written Plan

Organize into groups

Reduce Release and Reset

Tweak, enhance and then

SUCCEED and celebrate

It sounds so simple. But I got a little stuck when I started thinking about what I would actually write down for my plan in Step 1. I think, "Get all the crap out of the studio and throw it away" may be a bit too general and a lot too aggressive. I will have to readdress that, when I am actually ready to start next month. Once again, I'll keep you up on how things go when I am really doing it. I have a feeling that once I am actually standing in the studio, making decisions about how to break things down into smaller tasks, that this step will feel a lot more natural than it does upstairs staring at a book on a computer screen. 

I did, however, like her idea of starting with "the end in mind." It is kind of fun to think of my studio being functional again, with things put away and having counter space to actually create the New. It's been a long time since I've had that. And I found it deeply satisfying when I did. I would be willing to change to get that room back and keep it.

Step 2 is where the real action starts. You can tell Darla has worked with real people because she recommends talking yourself through the sorting process.  "This is a ____ and I need to do _____ with it" is a phrase that I have a feeling will become near and dear. I attach memories to objects like a champ, and I am hoping that defining what the thing actually is, may help me be more open to letting a bunch of things go. If it's a ratty, tired t-shirt, rather than a receptacle of my memories of my trip to the Yucatan, I am far more likely to say "Adios." 

This is also the step where Darla encourages you to: 

"Keep searching for things that make your heart sing". 

Um. Yes. I think you should sign me up for that. 

I will totally keep going through this crap these boxes of stored possessions to find treasures that make my whole life better. Not that I self identify through stuff or anything.  

Step 3 is the "deal with it" phase. This is where you take it to the trash, to recycle bin, the thrift shop. I feel like I have been living in Stage 3 for years. But it does work. Life is always a bit brighter after I see the back of the donation truck. This is also the point when you can start to see where this effort is all heading. I haven't gotten even close to this in the studio, so I will, once again, have to let you all know how it goes when I get there. 

Step 4 starts once the room looks like a room again and you are putting your new systems to the test. If they aren't working out, you just try a little tweak here and there to smooth it out. 

Step 5, Succeed and Celebrate. This is one I usually skip because A) I am very tired after dealing with all this crap,  B) I usually spent all my money on stuff for the project, and C) I am trying not to kill my children as they have already messed things up again. (Well, at least in the past they did. Now they've grown up into perfect human teenagers. Cough, cough.) In any case, I have decided that my reward for duking it out with my studio is that I get to post about whatever I did that day. The posts will be very irregular, sorry about that, but that's where I am right now. Any time to post will be a hard fought miracle. I have missed talking to you all terribly, and I think having a focused story to tell you is just what I need right now to keep on moving and feeling happier in the world. 

Despite it's short length, 84 pages, Darla packs in a bunch of useful information like a prioritized list of what order to tackle to rooms in your house, if you plan on doing the whole thing, ideas of how to store things, and how to schedule time so you will actually show up to work. I only scratched the surface. Go read it. It's an hour and a max of $5 out of your life. And if you want, pick a room and post with me on Instagram or Facebook, whichever is your thing, as you work though it. Let's use #SORTwithCMShawStudios. Or you can simply comment here after each post and keep me up to date on your progress. I'll be here, in the studio, fantasizing about a more peaceful creative space. 

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw

Kissing at the Right Time With the Right Reason

I have three daughters, two of which are full blown teenagers. They are gorgeous, charming girls, who love to do fun things with fun people. 

Which means only one thing to overprotective fathers everywhere....Boys.

And the boys have arrived at my house. Something I personally love, having no sons of my own. But with the arrival of boys, and driving, and high school, has also come the arrival of dating...

...and kissing.

I know, right? Are all you parents shuddering and all you teenagers grinning?

I fall into the "grinning" camp because I have always been a big fan of kissing boys. Plus, I am not so sure that I ever quit being a teenager in many ways. Oh well. 

So the boys come and go and there are some dates here and there for the girls that happen to be 16, and a lot of wishful sighing on the part of the girls who are not 16 yet (My girls don't date one on one until they are 16...I'll tell you about that in another post). There have been plenty of fun moments and plenty of not fun, which is the way of young relationships. 

One day the two teenagers walked up and asked me, "Mom, how do you know when it is OK to kiss a boy, and when it is time to stop?" 

Now I am a very open person when it comes to talking about sex or relationships, and I believe in telling the truth about these things as far as answering the specific question asked goes. But as I dug into my "Experience with this" file, I came up with a blank. This was a spot I never did "right". I took kissing too far...Every. Single. Time.

Sigh.

Now before all of you get excited, or start calling my ecclesiastical leaders, we really are talking about just kissing here. This is totally a family show. 

But it definitely required me thinking up a better answer than "uuhhhhh..."

So I thought about it for the whole day.  And after thinking about things for hours, I had an epiphany.

I realized that this conversation about kissing "right" should actually start with a conversation about dating "right." Or rather, dating for the right reasons. 

For me, dating was a collection of kisses from cute boys to make me feel better about myself. This was the opposite of the so-called "right" reasons. 

I have always told my kids that the purpose of dating is to get to know someone better than you can just hanging out with them at school or at church. The emphasis here is on becoming better friends through having fun little adventures together and talking about different things than you would in a group or at school. It is an exercise in learning how to gradually reveal yourself to someone and build deeper trust a little at a time. And then to see, over time, if you have enough in common to build on. Sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't, but both parties grow through the process.

These kinds of dates always start from a feeling of "Wow! I think this person is great! I want to know more..." 

The approach I favored, and one popular with most teens today is to look at a person and think, "Dang! That guy/girl is hot. I should totally ask them out." Now, while popular, this approach to dating will not help you get to know someone better. That's not the question you are asking them. The question you are asking with this approach is, "Can I have access to you physically?" 

Shocking, right? But if you think about it, that is the truth. If you are focusing on what someone looks like and that's your motive to be with them, you have set yourself up to ignore the rest of them. You are only left with the physical, which, if we are being honest here, is really the sexual.

If you are dating someone to get to know them better, you will be friends first. You will build on that friendship gradually through shared experience and conversation over time. Eventually, it will feel right to try kissing them. If you are doing it right, these kisses should be sparing and meaningful. They should be light, funny, loving, and fun. They should flow from the trust and affection you have built between each other. The should fill you with a bubbly joy and make you both want to be better people for each other.

If they turn into something greedy, something dominant, something you can't get enough of, you have crossed over into sexuality.There is a reason it is known as "the Sex Drive." If the reason you want to go out with someone is so you can make out with them, all you are doing is indulging your sex drive. There is no relationship growth possible from this place. It is purely self-serving.

So this is the answer I will give my girls. 

Ladies, date boys who intrigue you, who seem fun and funny and interested in who you are. Go and have funny little adventures here and there and talk and tease each other and tell jokes and stories. 

And if the dates keep being fun, and if you find you keep having things to talk about and things to learn and teach each other, eventually a day will come that it just seems like a good idea to kiss. So do it, with the feeling and the intention of getting to know each other. 

If you find yourself kissing for a long time or only wanting to kiss or thinking of doing more than kissing, you are no longer building your relationship. You are indulging your sex drive. So stop for a while, maybe for a week or a month or however it takes to refocus on being sweet friends again. 

And if you can't refocus, the break will give you a chance to calm down and decide whether this is the relationship you really want...or not.  

I hope they listen. They could be so much happier than I was. And isn't that what every parent wants for their child?  A happier life than they had?

Well that's all I've got for today. 

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw

Another Pumpkin Frolic

It has been a busy fall so far. I am never prepared to the landslide that comes with the start of school. Are you? I have stopped deluding myself into thinking that I'm gonna have all this time when the kids are gone, but I am still amazed at how busy I am.

So, since I am trying to get my barn doors hung in my family room this week (you guys are gonna die when you see how good they look), and since I have been writing really serious stuff lately and that, done too often, is a buzz kill, I thought I'd do something lighter.

I'm taking you with me to the pumpkin patch today.

There are about 10 million pumpkins hiding in this picture. They are all behind the leaves. 

We made our annual Columbus Day pilgrimage to Mayne's Tree Farm in Buckeystown MD last week. Why Columbus Day? Because the kids are out of school here, and DK is off work. And it's never crowded at the patch on a Monday.  (I wrote a big long post all about this patch a few years ago. Here you go, if you want to know all about Mayne's Tree Farm, either for pumpkins in the fall or Christmas trees in Nov-Dec.)

This is my favorite of all our family traditions. We have been coming here for almost 20 years, despite the hour long drive.

With Pumpkins like these, can you blame us?

Can you guess which one I brought home? Here's a hint:

Well, that is the one I was originally going to bring home. It's the one I searched for and came out of the field with. It was My Precious. Until I set it down in the wheel barrow with the other ones that my family had chosen. Pink was not a great fit with the wheel barrow full of hunter orange.

So I opted for the tiger striped one and the white one. Can't you picture a tiger face on that yellow and green striped pumpkin? And the white one is for eating after Halloween. Maybe pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.

Mmmm. Pie.

For some reason, this was a particularly jokey year. 

#3 decided to wear fake glasses.

Go figure.

And it was an excellent day for sunbathing. 

And being super-human with tractors.

All ferocious tractor photos were taken by DK. 

Especially this one. My camera doesn't do this:

Sigh. Just look at that polarized sky. I am so glad he has a nicer camera than I do. I get to use his when I need it. #stealyourspousesbeststuff

So what else did we do?

Wrestled on giant bales of hay. They both fell off right after this.

And then decided to have fun with gourds

#1 realized this may the second to last time she gets to come here, as graduation from high school is starting to loom in the horizon. She spent a lot of time staring at things, creating memories to carry with her.

It's always interesting to realize you really ARE going to be leaving home and going on your own great adventure.

She and #2 climbed through a hole and into the silos at some point, but I couldn't get her to give me her new iPhone long enough to download her pics shooting up through the silo roof. They are cool. I saw them last night.

DK went and bought a gallon of the best apple cider known to mankind, 

and then got back to it with his magic camera.

I just walked around, happy. It was such a lovely day. 

When there are pumpkins everywhere and it's fall, even a bad hair day can't bring you down.

The morel of this story is GO OUTSIDE AND ENJOY THE FALL! 

Go on! It's so stinking fun! Even the 17 year old thinks so.

 Tell me how your family sneaks away for fun... I am always open 

to new ideas for running away.

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw