A Bunch of Stuff You Don't Know About Me

I was talking to my friend Dana on the phone the other day, (my darling friend who has abandoned me moved since starring in this post and this post and co-starring in this post) about what to do in this blog. She starts laughing and wisely asks, 

"Do you even have an About Me page?" 

Umm..No. 

"Have you ever written a post telling people what you are like or where you come from 

or what style you like or why you have a cow skull above your mantle or anything like that?"

Umm..No.

"Well maybe these people would be delighted to hear a little bit more about you."

Well I have no idea what you "people would be delighted to hear" about me, so you'll have to tell me after reading this post, whether you now want to be my best friend, were moderately entertained, or desperately wish you could get those minutes of your life back. Just in case it's the latter, Sorry kids. No time refunds.

So I took my dear friend's advice and thought up a bunch of things I have never told you guys. And never one to be accused of being brief, there are 30 of them. I just couldn't decide which ones to cut. And I haven't been able to get a hold of Dana to help me edit the the list, so you just get all of it. 

30 Things You Don't Know About Me

1. I am the oldest of 5 children. Two brothers and two sisters. 

2. I can dance for hours, especially if the music's good. I can still dance for quite a while if there's no music, but I do better if there's a snappy song stuck in my head.

3. I grew up in Oregon and Arizona, but currently live in the Washington DC area. I have been here for almost 20 years and I still feel like an ex-pat from the West.

No retouching here. This is what it actually looks like at sunset in Arizona in December.

4. I am an artist. Well, you probably knew that one. But I bet you didn't know that I taught high school Japanese for 4 years after graduating from college with a degree in Secondary Education.

5. I am married to DK, (or Dark Knight, it's a long story I tell you in this post) who works in the US Senate doing Important Things and who happens to think I am fabulous, but also completely crazy.

6. I recently got into archery, something I liked as a child. I am not good at all, but that can always change with some better weather to practice in. I am cautiously optimistic, about the weather, silly.

7. I LOVE to talk. I learn by talking. I figure stuff out by talking. I release tons of energy and anxiety by talking.

8. This, #7, drives people crazy. (You should deeply pity my college roommates. Especially those poor souls who had the bad luck to share my room) So I started writing 3 journal pages every morning. It helps immensely.

9. I am ridiculously in love with my dog. It's revolting, actually.

10. I went to Japan on a Mormon mission for 18 mos when I was 21.

11. That's where I met DK. We didn't get along well back then. (Also a long story.)

12. I am happiest when exploring a new city.

13. Mexico is my favorite place. At least it's the place I dream about the most, except for Thailand. I must ride elephants in Thailand before I die.

14. I really like Southern Utah a lot as well. DK once told me while we were in Southern Utah, "If we sit here long enough, we might see aliens." Boom! Added to list of Epic Places.

15. I have learned that whimsy and comfort are more important to me in my home design than showing good taste. This may not shock some of you, who have been wondering what was wrong with me for a while now.

16. I have three daughters. They are all better looking than I ever could have been which I consider to be a genetic triumph.

Taylor Nation, Baby!

17. I love getting lost digging through my stuff. I attach memories to things and it's like reliving my life.

18. I am worried that I am selfish. But I'm not. I spend most of my time serving others and the rest trying to renew so I can serve some more.

19. I am ashamed that my current favorite song is by Justin Bieber. But I just can't listen to "What Do You Mean" enough times. I usually like obscure, Indie Rock or jazz. Go figure.

20. I am in a fashion slump right now, brought on by years of not having the $ to color my hair, spending most days DIY-ing or building or gardening, and by my gradual stress based weight gain. My favorite shoes are my rubber gardening clogs. I think it might be time for an intervention.

21. I am truly not capable of following a daily or weekly routine. It's been true my whole life, but it still annoys me.

22. I think just about everything is funny. I can almost, almost laugh about the time my kid's violin teacher says, "What's this?" and pulls a large, adult louse off my forehead. Almost.

23. It is not hard for me to be honest. I have always been a horrible liar. I eventually quit trying to get away with most things when I was in high school because I always got caught.

24. I think about deep stuff all the time. Then funny stuff. Then  more deep stuff. Then more funny stuff. Then I call my sister and talk about all of it while she's trying to work. I have no idea why. Maybe it gives me balance.

25. I have 2 known super powers. First, I can talk indefinitely. This has been tested up to 3 days. Second, Whoever goes shopping with me can find what they want, for what they want to pay for it. This made me a very popular companion for prom dress shopping.

26. It is really hard for me to be obedient. I despise being told what to do. Rules make me feel constrained.

27. I am deeply spiritual.  I am also a passionate follower of the Latter-day Saint faith (the Mormons). But I think I make a lot of them nervous. 

28. I truly believe everything can have a positive outcome, eventually. 

29. I have a Diet Coke problem.

30. I find people inherently interesting. I always want to hear other people's stories, if I can remember to shut up and stop telling mine. 

So that's me. The long version. I'll have to think about a short version. It might take me a while. So while I'm thinking, tell me about you.

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw

Today's Hopeful Thought: Dishes and Gifts.

Hi friends. I am so glad you all decided to come back. And for those of you who keep come back to see what nonsense I have posted every. single. week, I just have to say...

I like you so much. 

Seriously. 

You make me feel sane, which is much more of an accomplishment than it should be.

I have spent the week rattling against my "stay at home mom"-ness. Do you guys do that? I just cannot find meaning in the relentless onslaught of dishes and cooking and carpooling. To the point that I am crying by 10 am, a sure sign of trauma, just thinking about all those dishes and meals and carpools. I spent 2 hours doing dishes the other day. Seriously. 2 hours. I almost died. Except I didn't. 

I did cry though, before I started the washing. And there might have been a bit of journal writing and a prayer said for good measure. And then I thought about what I would have liked to do if I wasn't doing dishes (or dreading doing dishes.) What did I feel like I was missing out on, to prompt all these tears and disillusionment?

My answer was super lame and super wise.

I want to do something fun. 

Hmm. Fun. For me, fun usually involves other people, and laughing and talking and ....loud music. 

Hmm...loud music is fun. 

And where there is loud music, there is dancing. 

And where there is loud music and dancing, there is a... 

DANCE PARTY!! WHOO HOO!

I decided to have a dance party doing the dishes. 

I totally did. I cranked up the "Discover Weekly" list on Spotify and shook my booty while I scrubbed and soaked. For 2 hours. 

Now, was it the best party I've ever had? Absolutely not. Was it the best time I ever had doing dishes on a Tuesday morning? Totally. Except for that time I was washing dishes at my parents house in high school with that cute boy and we ended up getting in a soap suds fight and ....Oh, sorry. The correct answer is "Best. Dance Party Dish Washing. Ever."

At any rate, the time passed quickly and before I knew it I had a whole bunch of new songs starred for my play list the dishes done and the kitchen floor swept. A jolly time was had by all, well by me at least, and the work got done, finally.

So, since then, I have been thinking. 

What if everything that happens to us is a gift? 

Even dirty dishes, and car accidents, and breakups we didn't see coming? Along with unexpected birthday flowers and loosing 80 lbs after being overweight our whole life? What if sometimes it just takes an enormous amount of creativity to "unwrap" the gift? (not unlike that stiff plastic they use to keep small children away from their toys at Christmas requiring intricate razor blade and blowtorch skills to open, all while said small child is reaching and wailing wildly for said toy. Not that anything like that has ever happened to me)

I was raised with the idea that everything we experience is for our good. But what if it is more than just an experience? What if it all really is a Gift? The capital letter kind that shapes and molds our lives in ways we could never imagine. The kind of Gift that pushes us towards become who we most want to be? To the things that define us. To the outcomes we would most value at the end of this little life. 

I have been chewing on this idea for a number of years, and it has changed how I look at the things that make me cry. If I try really hard, and think and pray about it, there is always a golden egg there in the mud. The harder the experience and the harder the egg is to find, the bigger the impact for good on my life. I promise. I have tried this over and over and over again. I have always found a Gift.

Give it a shot. Look at the crappiest thing in your life and try to find the gift. It will be hard to see. It will take time and a change in perspective and perhaps a prayer or two or twenty. It will take a strong heart and a stout belief in your own worth. But it's there. Just waiting for you to find it and be filled with wonder at how things in our strange little lives work together to weave such a beautiful tapestry.

Well that's all I've got for today. But stay tuned, because next week I'm gonna tell you guys about a bunch of stuff you don't know about me. 

I know, right? 

I can't wait either!

And please, please tell me if you have found any Golden eggs in the mud? Any Gifts. I would love, love, love to hear those stories.

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw

The Beginning of "Hopeful Thoughts"

Has God ever asked you to do something? Or have you ever just had the same persistent thought to do something a bit out of your comfort zone eat at you?  I am not talking about parting the Red Sea or calling any Roman emperors to repent or anything. But something small, like asking you to write to a friend and apologize for the fight you had 5 years ago that made it hard to be friends, even if it wasn't your fault? Or to go talk to the person living alone in your neighborhood that you have never met and only see pulling in and out of their garage?

Well God has asked me to do something small, that scares the crap out of me. I am supposed to share a weekly Hopeful Thought with you guys. 

I know. Huge, right? 

Now it's not that I have any problem telling anyone about what I am thinking. Usually it takes a gigantic effort on my part NOT to say what's on my mind. My issue here is simply that I am afraid that talking about my view of the Universe will make you guys think I am crazy  people's eyes glaze over with boredom. Or worse, bring out people's argumentative natures. I really, really want to be a source of hope for my readers. But I have no idea what you guys need to hope for. Or that I can accomplish this lofty goal. I am not an academic or prophet or expert. I am simply a basement philosopher who talks to everybody. But not quite like the homeless guy on the corner. He doesn't have a blog.

Still, my experience has been that when I do these hard, small things that God asks, crazy amazing things start to happen. And I am too curious to see where this goes to let my fears win.

So here goes, my first Hopeful Thought:

I recently found out that a friend was in the process of getting divorced. I was shocked. They had always been a "best friends' type of couple. They shared everything, liked the same things. They were even in business together. As the shock has ebbed and I have thought more about what this means in their daily life, I have wondered what to say to my friend. I have no details about what happened, or who instigated the divorce, and frankly, it really isn't any of my business. 

So I started thinking about what would be helpful, as these days of duking it out over business rights and home ownership and child custody roll on. What blessing would I want when my whole life was shredding right before my eyes?

And I had the oddest thought pop into my mind. I saw waves of fire consuming a forest, and then a little girl planting trees and wildflowers in the soil enriched by the fresh ash. 

This image reminded me of a time when a dear, dear friend and I had to part ways. It was an explosive separation that rocked my life like a nuclear bomb going off. But one very unexpected thing happened. I was blessed to see how hard my friend, a vivacious, private, passionate woman, was holding back her wrath, keeping her words, as our relationship dissolved, as kind as she could bare. It was one last beautiful gift, in honor of the friendship we had shared for so many years. And it is something I have tried to cultivate in myself, especially with my husband and children. There is tremendous power in being kind when you are trying so crazy hard to just be civil. That kind of respect builds bridges that we don't see until we are standing on them.

That ability is what I would wish for my divorcing friend. That she and her former spouse can remember to be kind, even as the fires rage all around them. For they are much more likely to be able to build a loving, if separate, world for their children, where kindness was used even in the hours of greatest darkness. And if they cannot be together, than a peaceful co-existence would be the next best thing, I think. It would pave the way for light to return to all of them and mitigate so much pain. 

I thought Cinderella's lovely motto "Have Courage and Be Kind" was nicely relevant. 

Plus, they are such a dreamy couple... 

As for being a hopeful thought, I think that if we can have enough sense to be kind in our words and deeds when all hell is breaking loose, then we have a lot more going for us than we thought. It is amazing to me how far our efforts can reach. The good we all are capable of. And how powerful our actions Now can be to change the future for the better.

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw

How to Stay Sane While "Kondo"-ing Your Life

It's snowing a bit today. And by "a bit" I mean there are huge drifts of snow blocking my doors and the wind has things blowing sideways out in the now white world. 

I like snow a lot. I think it's gorgeous. And I love that it makes it possible to breathe for a few days here in the Nation's Capital of over-programmed people. Everything, and I mean everything, stops. No school, no cars, no work, no obligations. It's kinda heaven. 

So what do you do, when you have a Type A personality and suddenly you find yourself with days of nothing going on and nowhere to go?

You pull out this little book and get to work, of course.

Ah.. Marie Kondo and The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. One of the most talked about books of 2015. Have you guys read it yet? If not, go pick it up at Costco for less than $10. Or get it used on Amazon... but if you go the Amazon route, read the reviews. There was some poor guy who was completely traumatized because he to move all his beloved "shtuff" into his truck to keep his wife from throwing it away after she read the book. (Obviously his wife didn't read the chapter about how you really should only do this with your own belongings.) Totally cracked me up. But it's way down there in the reviews, so good luck finding it.

Anyway, I read this book last summer. Kondo is totally insane. I mean completely out of her mind, in the way that only OCD single Japanese women can be. 

But she is also right. 

If you follow her method, there is very little chance of you going back to your comfortable wicked ways of overabundance and slavery to stuff. (Well, I think having to fold your underwear in a certain way and put it in a little carton is a form of slavery, but for the sake of this post, let's stick with the "spirit of the law," shall we?) Following this method actually changes the way you think about your stuff. It makes you aware in ways that I don't really understand. Plus it's hard. And takes a lot of effort, so you might find yourself giving your lame ways a stern talking to if you start to slide once it's all said and done. But most of all, it's amazing once it's all done. Really amazing, like Disney sparkles on the corners of things amazing. You feel like you are capable of Great Things.

So after Christmas, I was ready to tackle my stuff and repent of my Capitalistic ways. I started looking around for stuff to get rid of. 

I forgot to take a "before" shot of my dresser. But my side table looks pretty much like my dresser did, 

give or take a layer or two of stuff.

And then my head blew up. 

One of the tenants of this book is to sort things in categories, all at the same time. So if you choose to do "pans" you pull out all the pans you have in the entire house and make decisions on what stays and what goes. Now this makes an amazing amount of sense until you start looking around and realizing just how many freaking categories of stuff you have. I guarantee that you have an enormous amount of stuff to sort through. Unless you are a military wife. Then you can stop reading this post because your stuff is already pared down within an inch of it's life so you can make weight when you move. You are also my hero, because your house is always immaculate, in it's lack of stuff-ness. But aside from the military wife super heroes out there, the rest of us all have infinite groups of things to sort through.

This is where tip number one comes in. 

Tip 1. Pick some place small to start. A drawer, for example. Or the front hall closet. It's not as small as a drawer, but it is a manageable space that if you run out of time, you can just cram everything back into. I chose my jewelry stash. Which didn't end up being very small. I have way more than I thought. Which is the point of gathering all of it up at the same time.

Which brings us to tip number two:

Tip 2. You will need to clean up a place to sort things, before you ever start sorting. You could use the space on the playroom floor, the top of your bed, or your dining room table. Someplace where there is flat space you can spread stuff out out on. But it has to be cleared off before you start dumping more stuff on it. 

I decided to use my floor to stage and sort the stuff on top of my dresser because I knew I could leave it there for a while if I had to. I also knew it would annoy me enough that I would actually finish dealing with it.

In my case, the jewelry was on top of my dresser and taking up half of my top drawer. So I needed a place to work in my master bedroom. I could barely walk around my side of the room, let alone find a place to put all my jewelry out to look at. So I cleaned up all the random things that were hanging out in my side of the room. It took two days. Seriously. Two. Days. Now there was a lot of stuff that didn't belong, like the alphabet flashcards that I bought to spell out a different message on the wall every day at Girl's Camp from two years ago and the dinner plate holding the tools I had used to install track lighting in my hallway three weeks ago, but the two days is a significant thing to note. It totally shocked me. So much so that it's part of tip 3:

Tip 3. This process WILL take you more than one day, per category for most categories. Plan this way and you will be happier and feel less lame inclined to give up when it takes more than one day.  You will need at least one day to sort and at least one day to process what you've sorted. You might get it all done in the same day, if most of what you are paring down is stuff you actually plan on throwing away. 

Now that you have a clean space to stage in and a realistic time frame, you are ready to start tearing things apart sorting. This will generate a whole bunch of clumps of things. Which quickly makes you aware of the need for tip 4.

OK, let's stop for a minute. I can feel you all getting over whelmed and checking out. I know this is a long post. And so, far all I am telling you is what a pain this all is. Keep in mind, my purpose here really is to tell you how to succeed. It is completely worth your time, I swear. Even if you only get through one drawer of makeup or socks. But it does take a certain mind set to get all the way through. The great thing is, once you are thinking about it right, you will just keep succeeding.  

Alright. Pep talk over. Back to tip 4. 

Tip 4. Find a reasonable way to manage your sorting. Do what ever makes the most sense for you; piles, bags, empty boxes, small plastic cups, zip-lock bags, whatever suits your needs. You will need to keep track of a variety of things in a variety of sizes, headed for a variety of destinations. And these are strictly temporary homes, only to be used until you finish processing this category. 

When I sorted my jewelry, I put it all out on the dining room table. Then I sorted it into piles and finger bowls, based on what designation I had given it. For example, the bracelets were too much trouble initially, so they went in a big pile towards the middle. The earrings I knew I didn't want went in a pile on the far right. The necklaces were hung on a chair next to the one I was sitting on. The broken stuff that was worth repairing got put on the plant stand behind me. The bits I planned on using in collages went into a zip-lock bag with "collage" written on it in Sharpie. The empty boxes and bags went in an Ironstone chamber pot that happened  to be sitting on the table. The broken, worn out or de-silvered earrings and random paper debris went in a bag labeled "trash."

Tip 5. A few unexpected things to keep handy during the sorting period are a Sharpie, a regular pen or pencil, post-it notes, and a pad of paper. You need the Sharpie to write on plastic bags designating things "donation" or "trash" or whatever, so you don't forget and throw the wrong things away. The pencil is to write out what needs to happen to any given item. For example, you could write "earring wire broken off" to remind yourself that this pair of earrings needs to go to the jeweler and what needs to be done, so you don't have to sit there and figure it all out again when you are standing in line with your plastic baggie of broken baubles at the jewelers. The pad of paper is to write out things that are going to take several steps. When I cleared off my dresser, I had several works of art that my children had made. Some needed to be repaired or modified, and I want to frame all of them, but I don't have the time or money to do so right now. So I wrote out all my plans, both for now and in the future for the art. For now, I will store them in my original art drawer. When I can, I will frame them and do the other stuff. It's all about dealing with things to the fullest level right now  and making is super easy on yourself when you have to deal with stuff later.

Once you are all done sorting, then you tackle the "processing". Do not let yourself start any more sorting, or any other type of project until you have processed stuff.

Tip 6. Processing can be boring, frustrating, complicated, and time consuming, but you should finish it completely before you start anything else. Processing is the term I am using to describe anything that involves dealing with the stuff you have just unearthed in your sorting that is not going back into the place you have just torn apart sorted. Things that need to go to the cleaners. Or be put in another room. Or to be repaired. Or to be sent to a cousin. Or returned to a neighbor. Or to be donated to Goodwill. All of these kinds of actions are what I think of as "processing." They can be cumbersome. Driving to the cleaners is one more thing to remember. Sending outgrown clothing to your sister's kids requires many steps, before you even head over to wait in line at the post office. Taking that unused light fixture to the ReStore requires you know where the ReStore is and what their donation hours/policies are.

My bags of items to be donated, mended, and given to a friend 

after cleaning my bedroom floor while creating a place to sort.

Simply put, processing requires that you actually do all the annoying, inconvenient things that caused the stuff to be left on the floor or crammed in the drawer in the first place. 

This is where you will want to cave. You will be tempted to do something else. Anything else, rather than finish working through your processing pile. But don't let yourself abandon ship. 

Don't you LOVE this painting? It's my new prize from Salvation Army. I just get lost in it every time I look at it.

Keep chipping away a little at a time, even if it means taking a break to do laundry or walking the dog or going to lunch with your friends. But keep at it for as long as you can stand it every day. Bribe yourself if you have to. Because it will not go away until you deal with it.

So take a breath. 

Make a plan. 

And do it. 

All of it. 

You will be so happy once it is all done. 

You will be free. 

The finished dresser top. In this process, I ended up cleaning up my floor, sorting all my underwear, sorting and restaging all my jewelry where I can see all of it so I remember to use it, clearing off my dresser, clearing out my chaise /writing area, and making my room look more decadent than it already did. WIN!

So, you all ready to "Kondo" something? 

I'd love to hear about your plan or how it all went. 

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw

How to Know What You Want Most.

You guys all know I read a lot, yes? Well I do. And a couple of years ago I read a gem of a book called Hothouse Flower and the 9 Plants of Desire by Margot Berwin. 

Sorry. Not my best shot there, but you get the idea. I also noticed they shortened the title of the book to just Hothouse Flower. 

So in this book, the main characters all live in a huge, dirty city. It is a struggle to find beauty there. But one of my favorite quotes ever is produced in this environment:

If you can hear the quiet while being woken up by the garbage trucks, you have power. If you can feel the stars when all you can see are the lights in the skyscrapers, that's power. If you can smell the forest in front of the dumpster, then you have power. Never let the events in front of you, or the people around you, tell you what to see, feel, taste, smell, or hear.

Now you gotta read the book if you want to know how this is relevant to the plot. But you only have to think about it for a minute, to figure out how it's relevant to your soul. So go ahead. Take a minute. read it again and think about it. I'll wait for you...

So what did you think? Do you have that kind of power to visualize a different reality? To see something or experience something radically different from what is right in front of you? Would you like to be able to?

That's kinda how I spent 2015.

I spent the year learning about what I want most. 

That's what it takes you know, to create a reality so vivid you can call it into existence anywhere. Under any circumstances. If you do what you want most, you are inhabiting your own life. You are being what you are most like. It makes you aware in ways that are not otherwise possible without great effort. And it's fun.

I stumbled on this quest for what I most wanted accidentally. I had been trying really hard in 2014 to be what everyone else needed me to be. Mom, wife, tutor, church member, chauffeur, accountant, cleaning lady, blogger, artist, interior decorator. You know the list. And I was miserable. I felt like I was putting all this effort in and I wasn't even allowed to put what I wanted to do in my own life. 

I knew I was deeply unhappy and that the way I was doing things had to change. So I started whining to my dad about it one day when he was visiting for Christmas. He and I have an almost identical world view, so I thought he would be the ideal person to ask. Well what he said certainly had an impact. 

After a lot of me giving the back story and him trying to tell me how to prioritize my life, he said, "If art was your dominant priority, you'd be doing it right now." 

I was furious! Didn't he understand that I was sacrificing for my family? That I had prayed about my choices? That I was the woman and so certain things just fell on me and I had no choice? That the only thing the Universe seemed to support creatively right now was projects on my house? I must be talking to a man. AHHHHHH!

Cue the tears and HUGE meltdown. 

The thing is (which I realized a day or two later) is, that with my personality type, my dad was right. I ALWAYS do what I want most. And what I'd been doing was working on the house, not making art. And then blaming the Universe for not helping me. I had made the mistake that most of us make so often. I was wrong about what I wanted.

It's crazy easy to be wrong about what you most want. We live in a world full of "should"s and advertising and things to compare ourselves to and a billion opinions about everything. I spent the entire year being completely stunned how wrong I usually was about what I most wanted. Some days, I just really wanted to get the bills paid or the dishes done because they were In.The.Way. Somedays I wanted to wander around outside with my dog. Some days I wanted to upholster a chair, or build a bench. But even though I was often wrong in guessing what I thought I would most want, if figured out a method to tell what I really most wanted. 

When I really want something the most, a stillness and peace comes into my mind as I imagine doing that thing. My nature is turbulence and energy, so stillness is a novelty for me. It has become a marker for me. I don't know if that will be your marker, but you will have one. Maybe if you are a quiet person by nature, what you want will give you energy? All I know is it comes with a sense of peace and rightness. 

But you have to pay attention. Listen to your mind as you go through options. Think, before you commit all your time for that day. Wait until you feel the peace. it will come. Say a little prayer for God to help you, if that helps. He will.

And you can't judge your desires. Sometimes what you want to do can seem really stupid and unimportant. One year I really wanted to make a book of hand turkeys (you know, like in elementary school where you trace your hand and then make it into a turkey) during the Thanksgiving break. Stupid, right? But it was so INSANELY fulfilling! When you feel that peace, go with it. Just say "yes."

So now you know what you want. That's Awesome! But you have this giant life you are trying to cram this Want into. How do you make it fit?

You figure out what it takes to make it happen in general. Then figure out how to fit your life around making it happen. Have you always wanted to go to the Hershey Spa and have a massage and chocolate bath? Find out how much it costs, how far away it is, and when it has openings. Figure out when you could save that much money and figure out if you want to go alone or with friends. How will you all get there? When will you go? Is there a time of year that is less crowded or expensive? Figure out the logistics of the thing. Then follow all the steps you've planned until it goes from dream to reality.

When I turned 38, I was two years out from having my youngest and tired all the time. I started watching a show called Shimmy on FitTV (wishful exercise watching) and decided I wanted to learn how to belly dance. 

So I went down the list. I had to find a reputable place that taught belly dancing classes in my area. I had to take these classes on Saturdays, as DK was at work too late on weeknights. I had to figure out how to cover the tuition fees. I had to find a place in my house to practice. I had to find mirrors and the right clothing and music.

And I did it! I found a great studio about 30 min from my house. It was a bit of a drive, but I loved the alone time it gave me just to think about whatever. I found the money for the classes by eating out one less time a week. I used my entryway with $5 full length mirrors from Target leaned up against my front door to practice because it's the only room that has both hardwood and enough space to dance. And DK brought me back some belly dancing music when he went on a business trip to Dubai. So I was set. I bought a hip scarf from the studio and made another one because, they were from Egypt and really nice, but expensive. I took lessons for 3 years and practiced 4-5 days a week in my entry. It was amazing! I felt more alive than I had since high school. I felt like my life belonged to me again. 

Then I had to stop. I had taken so many classes, that only the advanced ones offered on weeknights were left. The kids had gotten into junior high and our nights were packed. And our budget shrank. No matter what I tried, I couldn't make it fit. So I cried a bit and quit.

I am so grateful I put in the effort and made the sacrifice of time and money and practice that required. It was one of my favorite things I have ever done with myself. Just thinking about finally mastering my shimmy or learning how to circle my hips and walk with my arms waving simultaneously makes me smile all the way to my liver. Even though I can't replicate the experience at the moment. And that my friend, is power. 

And I just started a new dream...

and yes, there is some belly dancing. But that's another story for another day.

Go! Find your dream. Listen to the whisperings of what you want most. Put your life back into your life, even if it seems stupid or strange or impossible. The Universe will help you. You will start to feel like you are home in your own life. I know you can do it. 

You guys have any dreams you are working towards or wishes of things you want to do? how is it going? What is your plan? Tell me all about it.

Talk to you soon,

CM Shaw

So Many Gifts...How about 29 More?

There are a few times in my life where the outcome of something has been completely unanticipated. Going to Japan as a missionary and meeting my future husband there.  Becoming an artist which lead to being a barn saler which led to being a blogger. Going to a thrift shop in Maryland for a filing cabinet and coming home with my forever dining room table in a style I never would have intentionally considered. (read that adventure here)

That's kinda how I felt about my experience reading 29 Gifts by Cami Walker. I checked it out from my local library because the title sounded festive and Christmas was coming.

Not exactly the Hallmark Channel misguided lovers figuring things out story I was expecting.

29 Gifts is a memoir of the Cami Walker's experience learning about how to give back to the world despite her daily struggle with Multiple Sclerosis. Note: For those of you with weak constitutions for suffering, hang in there with me. We are not talking about an Oprah book here.  I am a total pansy when it comes to reading about other people's sufferings. I wouldn't do that to you. (OK, I just googled it, and this actually IS an Oprah book. How ironic. Here's the link. But it's not one of her normal, wrenching, searingly painful with no redemptive value ones. I hate those freaking books.) This is a study of gratitude and showing intentional love for those around us, strangers and those we love most alike.

When we meet the author, her Multiple Sclerosis has progressed to the point where moving is difficult, and daily tasks like doing the laundry or washing the dishes seem like huge mountains of effort. She can't work, despite her love for her job and she is terrified her wonderful husband of two or three years is going to get tired of caring for her and leave her.

One day while talking to her dear friend Mbali, an African medicine woman, Walker pours her frustrations out about how miserable she is. Mbali simply replies with the "prescription" of giving away 29 gifts in 29 days. Walker is stunned. She can barely move. What could she possibly have to give? She writes "Give 29 gifts in 29 days" in a notebook, slams it shut and promptly forgets about it. One day, she rediscovers the notebook and figures that since even the pain medication she's taking isn't working, she might as well try following Mbali's advice. 

And that is when everything starts to change.

Photo by DK 

As much as I love that the book is about giving and receiving, that is not the message it held for me. I was raised by an insanely generous father, and learned a long time ago about the joy of giving to increase other's quality of life and mitigate my own misery. It is one of the pillars I build my life on.  

For me, this book held some new keys to living with an eye towards my own abundance. I struggle with scarcity. I am often afraid we don't have enough money or that this thing or that thing will run out. And I never feel like I have enough time to do all the things I want to. Some of this is well founded in experience. I have been very poor before and didn't relish the experience. But most of it is just my own preferences and paranoia taking over my better judgement. I have never been so destitute as to not have food or housing. I have always had resources of some sort or another. But just like most people, I tend to focus on what I lack, rather than embrace and rejoice in what I have.

In the book, everything Mbali says to Walker felt like it was for my heart as much as hers. I had never thought to connect giving and abundance before. The following thrilled me when I read it:

"Healing doesn't happen in a vacuum, Cami, but through our interactions with other people. By giving, you are focusing on what you have to offer others, inviting more abundance into your life. Giving of any kind is taking a positive action that begins the process of change. It will shift your energy for life."

I am good at giving. It is easy for me in most cases. But I never thought to use it intentionally as a vehicle for my own positive change. Huge, right?

And this one about knocked my socks off:

"No matter how much we have materially, we are often in a place of scarcity:we never think we have enough or that we're good enough. Instead of getting lost in a sense of lack, once we realize we are a part of something bigger, it becomes clear we have many gifts to offer the world."

I have spent the last three years feeling poor.  How ridiculous. 

I live in a beautiful home in a wealthy county with great schools and a husband with a stable job that he loves. My kids are all wonderful and well adjusted. I have lovely things to look at and do. I have many many friends who love me, as well as a supportive extended family. There is most certainly no lack in my life. 

I have also spent the last three years helping my kids do well in school and providing opportunities, granted often at large sacrifice to myself, for them to gain new skills and have important experiences that will shape their lives in powerful ways. I have used my skills as a group builder and energy maker to launch several small artist's careers to a professional level. I have used my time and wit to support my friends in the blogging and Instagram world. I have turned many strangers into dear friends. I have used restraint and generosity and sensitivity to help my husband through an insanely difficult period professionally. In fact, as I look back over the last three years, it has been the giving that has saved me. My ability to use what I had to enhance the lives of those around me. 

Tears are coming as I type this and look back over the years with eyes focused on my own abundance. I have never thought about it like that. It is humbling to see how much God was able to do with my heart and hands. How much I could have been rejoicing in all this time. 

I can see the truth of Walker's statement, 

"The best way to attract abundance into your life is to be in a 

perpetual state of giving and gratitude." 

You become aware of what you have, of what you can do. 

So as I step forward into this fresh new year, I have decided to focus on being aware of the gifts I am giving and receiving.  I have missed a lot of my own joy in my lack of mindfulness. I have felt empty, when a shift in perspective would have shown a cup running over. 

And my prayer for you,dear reader, would be that you be aware of your own worth, your own magnificence in this world. Simply because you have so much to give it, so many ways to bless those around you. And so much joy to find as you wander through this lovely life.

Talk to you soon,

 CM Shaw

PS: Have you read 29 Gifts? What did you think? Leave me a comment because I'd love to know what your take away was.